Tenacity...

This this past week was April vacation. I've been starting to pick up my activities more, in the garden, running errands and preparing photography materials. This comes from a combination of feeling stronger and my desire to test my stamina to see if I'm ready to return to teaching... I'm bored being home without the ability to do a lot.

I'm planning to return to teaching tomorrow. Today, we went to a six hour photography conference at Simmons College, which was a good test of my readiness. My classes have been in very good hands, so I know I can return on my terms... and I think it's time. Monika was also acting as a gatekeeper, and she wouldn't ALLOW me to return until she's sure I'm ready.

A couple of days ago, I brought my wet plate set up on the road to try to photograph a magnificent tree in southern NH. With the help of a former student (as Sherpa), I hoped to photograph this tree before the foliage emerges. I've pursued this tree several times with mixed results, but recently I've been feeling the need to revisit it. The tree is about 50 yards into the woods, requiring us to haul the 8x10 camera, darkroom box/cart, gear, chemicals, trays and 10 gallons of water down a slope to the tree. The light turned out to be brighter than the weatherman predicted, so I didn't get the picture I had hoped for... that will have to wait for another day, but it felt good being out working for those 6 hours.

The tree is the very essence of tenacity, brazenly clinging to a cliff with many arm-like roots, seemingly defying gravity. I thought is was the perfect subject for my re-emergence into the world of the "doing".

Slowly building strength...

I feel pretty good. My wound is largely healed, it had been weeping fluid since I had the staples out, but it seems to be closing up nicely as of today. The pain is minimal, and easily controlled by advil and tylenol. My diet is back to my pre-surgery healthiness... today I started back up on my supplement regime... a hundred pills a day! I wish I could leave them behind, but I think they have played a major role in getting me to this place so I know I need to stay the course. I'll meet again with my naturalpathic doctor in a couple of weeks and see if I can modify the amount of supplements I take. Also, at $1000 a month I'd like to ease off financially also!

My biggest issue is fatigue. I get tired very easily. Because I otherwise feel good, it's very frustrating to be so weak and tired. I know that my body's been through a lot; between the operation and the high dose of radiation I have a lot of healing to do...

So my days consist of small activities followed closely by a nap with supplements and meals woven in... I was hoping I would be well enough to be back at school after April vacation next week, but only time will tell. In my current state I'd be napping by second period...

Todays big activities consisted of a short walk with Monika and the dog (resting at the halfway point), and I planted peas and salad green seeds in the garden beds that friends prepared over the weekend...

Down the road...

Well I'm home resting and am fully engaged in a slow heal...

I got home last Tuesday, and by the weekend I was able to wean off the opiates (goodbye visions) and am now pretty comfortable on Tylenol and Advil. It will be a while yet, I think, until my body gets back to a solid place. Everything is working, and I'm on the mend but I feel fragile. I'm slowly getting back to my previous healthy diet as my digestive system finds it's legs ... so to speak. I got my staples removed this Tuesday, all is well with my 7" wound... I have a pretty sweet scar in the works. My world right now consists of lots of naps, and not much of an attention span so my days include a lot of sitting in the garden watching the nuthatches that have moved into one of our birdhouses. I'm relying on the labor of friends to wake up the garden this spring, turning beds, getting compost and moving things around... soon I can start putting in seeds and seedlings... those who want to visit are welcome to stop by...

This operation represents the end of my treatments. Once my body heals from the operation, I will return to teaching, art; my regular life... sort of. I will try to continue to live in the healthy, present, conscious way that I have adopted during this illness. Every six months from here on out I will get a CT scan to see if cancer is growing anywhere else in my body. If it pops up, I'll have limited options and not too much time... My radiologist and surgeon said I have a 6 percent chance of a cure, and that if the cancer returns it is almost always in a place other than the site of the tumor because the IORT almost always kills the tumor. If all the work I've been doing with diet and supplements with my naturalpathic doctor has been working as well as it seems, (the fact that I even got to the IORT was a long shot), then I think I may have better odds than I've been given... They say that if I get clean scans for 2 years I can start to feel hopeful, and after 5 years I'd be considered cured...

So now I have the odd task of trying to move forward with my life, all the while knowing that I may still have limited time, and that if I am cured, I won't feel free for years...

It leaves me with lots to ponder as I sit here healing everyday...

Visions/Home

Hospital time is very slow. Because of regular checks, prods and procedures, I was interrupted often and it's really hard to sleep as streams of nurses, various doctors and residents make their way though. You lay out of time, in a daze. I was very lucky and had a roommate from VT, who had had a whipple operation by Dr Fernandez. Having a thoughtful and kind man with a related experience in the next bed, made my journey much easier.

The surgery had cut deep into my abdomen; and my skilled team of doctors did the job in just over 2 hours. Amazing!

The healing takes a LOT longer.

My surgeon, Dr Carlos Fernandez-del Castillo gave me a great report and a detailed account of the procedure... the highlight being that it was the best possible outcome: they found the tumor much smaller than they expected (a 2cm shriveled prune like growth) and in an excellent position to be radiated through a small cone. Everything else went well, and now only time will tell...

I'll discuss my thoughts on that in the next post...

By Tuesday, my pain management involved eating 8mg of dilaudid every 3 or 4 hours...leaving me pain free as long as my midriff didn't move in any direction...any move would result in jabs of pain that were uncomfortable but manageable...more drugs would numb all pain, but the narcotic effect would be unworkable...

As it was, by Monday night I was having pretty wild hallucinations... they persisted until today when I was able to reduce my dose by about a third...

After I got home and took my next round of medication, I rested while Monika made some food. Among the many strange things that came my way... I saw Deb's dog Buddy laying on the floor near me (he died March 2), but instead of his flowing golden fur, it was replaced with the iridescent red and brown feather plumage of our rooster... that was some look!

When I closed my eyes, I saw an awkward, young amateur Jewish comedian who wanted to put on an act for me. With his fro and unbuttoned print shirt and chains, he implored me to watch but I didn't want to, so I opened my eyes to get rid of the vision...when I closed them to check, he was still there so I opened my eyes again, but this time just he disappeared, the background around him stayed in my sight with just a cutout of his shape missing... eventually I was able to avoid the show.

Trust me it ain't easy being sick... you should have seen that shirt!

I'm so happy to be home...

Groggy, but on my way home...

I'm going home today!!!

Probably by early afternoon, my dad will come get me, pick up tons of my pain meds and drive me home. I'm on heavy opiates, and my stomach area is really tender even when I'm drugged. I'm groggy and can hallucinate just by closing my eyes... "on demand"

I'll post more when I start to get more comfortable and coherent, and when I'm ready for visits at home... It will take me a while to figure stuff out around comfort, diet, sleeping etc...

I'm looking at about 10 days of pain and heavy medications before things get incrementally easier...

HOME!!!!

Zapped - then zipped...

This is what David's new bling looks like! As Dave proudly showed it off to his sister's family yesterday, the sight of it made his niece faint. She was promptly brought down to the emergency room, where it was determined she was fine.

Yesterday morning Dave's epidural also started to act up, so he had another struggle with Pain, his old nemesis. After that it was pretty smooth all day, and he is getting closer to his old self by the hour. His corner of the hospital room is starting to look like a flower shop! Sweet smells and beautiful colors that remind us of spring!

This morning when I spoke with him he was starting to eat solid food. Dry toast never tasted so good.... He is also starting to peruse seed catalogues, with plans for the garden, and he now wants me to bring him his laptop so that he can resume his reading of blogs and news. This is a great sign, since he felt too weak to do any of that before. The docs are beginning to wean him off intravenous painkillers. Hopefully this will go smoothly.

There are too many of you to thank individually, for the unflagging kindness, love and generosity extended to us by our network of family, friends and kind strangers. You have supported us through these most difficult months of our lives, and many were the times when the solace and strength from all of you was the only thing that kept us from falling apart. You are all in my thoughts, and my heart is full of gratitude.

Peace and love,

Monika

Doing well, but tired and aching....

Dave spent the morning battling severe pains, since his epidural had been placed about three inches too low. And once the spiral of pain had started, it took quite an arsenal of medications to get it under control. By noon, however, he was beginning to feel fine, he managed to sit up in a straight-backed chair, and even walk a lapse around the ward. While he is progressing nicely, there are at times severe relapses of pain, and since he sleeps poorly he is prone to dozing off without warning. Due to these factors he feels it would be best to hold off on visiting him at the hospital, and instead wait until he is at home. That said, he is already turning into his old self, making jokes with the nurses, and befriending his fellow patient.