Scan #3: Clean!

NO CHANGE!!

My oncologist reports that all indications are good. There has been no change in my scans or my tumor markers, indicating no cancer activity. He noted that my news is atypical, as pancreatic cancer usually comes right back without treatment. He says that with each scan I can feel that my odds of survival increase. I'll have my 4th scan at the end of April, marking the 1 year point since the IORT operation. At that point we'll push the scans to every 6 months. After 2 years I can start to feel optimistic, but by the 5 year mark I will be considered cured.

This week I had a fair amount of anticipatory stress as I awaited the appointment. That's a pattern of every scan result. The impending snowstorm increased that stress when I thought I might not make it in due to weather.

It's difficult not to futurize negative outcomes. In this week leading up to today my mind has been playing out how I would deal with the next few days if the news was bad. Would I go to school and start my second semester classes tomorrow? If I have only 6 months to live would I teach? What would I do? Monika brings me back to the reality of the moment, and that the decisions we make are based on the facts we have. For nearly 3 months I run around happily leading an almost normal life, the cancer a minor player in the shadows... then I have a scan and it reminds me that I still live with another reality...

Every clean scan brings me a bit closer to closing this chapter of my life...