Tenacity...

This this past week was April vacation. I've been starting to pick up my activities more, in the garden, running errands and preparing photography materials. This comes from a combination of feeling stronger and my desire to test my stamina to see if I'm ready to return to teaching... I'm bored being home without the ability to do a lot.

I'm planning to return to teaching tomorrow. Today, we went to a six hour photography conference at Simmons College, which was a good test of my readiness. My classes have been in very good hands, so I know I can return on my terms... and I think it's time. Monika was also acting as a gatekeeper, and she wouldn't ALLOW me to return until she's sure I'm ready.

A couple of days ago, I brought my wet plate set up on the road to try to photograph a magnificent tree in southern NH. With the help of a former student (as Sherpa), I hoped to photograph this tree before the foliage emerges. I've pursued this tree several times with mixed results, but recently I've been feeling the need to revisit it. The tree is about 50 yards into the woods, requiring us to haul the 8x10 camera, darkroom box/cart, gear, chemicals, trays and 10 gallons of water down a slope to the tree. The light turned out to be brighter than the weatherman predicted, so I didn't get the picture I had hoped for... that will have to wait for another day, but it felt good being out working for those 6 hours.

The tree is the very essence of tenacity, brazenly clinging to a cliff with many arm-like roots, seemingly defying gravity. I thought is was the perfect subject for my re-emergence into the world of the "doing".

Slowly building strength...

I feel pretty good. My wound is largely healed, it had been weeping fluid since I had the staples out, but it seems to be closing up nicely as of today. The pain is minimal, and easily controlled by advil and tylenol. My diet is back to my pre-surgery healthiness... today I started back up on my supplement regime... a hundred pills a day! I wish I could leave them behind, but I think they have played a major role in getting me to this place so I know I need to stay the course. I'll meet again with my naturalpathic doctor in a couple of weeks and see if I can modify the amount of supplements I take. Also, at $1000 a month I'd like to ease off financially also!

My biggest issue is fatigue. I get tired very easily. Because I otherwise feel good, it's very frustrating to be so weak and tired. I know that my body's been through a lot; between the operation and the high dose of radiation I have a lot of healing to do...

So my days consist of small activities followed closely by a nap with supplements and meals woven in... I was hoping I would be well enough to be back at school after April vacation next week, but only time will tell. In my current state I'd be napping by second period...

Todays big activities consisted of a short walk with Monika and the dog (resting at the halfway point), and I planted peas and salad green seeds in the garden beds that friends prepared over the weekend...

Down the road...

Well I'm home resting and am fully engaged in a slow heal...

I got home last Tuesday, and by the weekend I was able to wean off the opiates (goodbye visions) and am now pretty comfortable on Tylenol and Advil. It will be a while yet, I think, until my body gets back to a solid place. Everything is working, and I'm on the mend but I feel fragile. I'm slowly getting back to my previous healthy diet as my digestive system finds it's legs ... so to speak. I got my staples removed this Tuesday, all is well with my 7" wound... I have a pretty sweet scar in the works. My world right now consists of lots of naps, and not much of an attention span so my days include a lot of sitting in the garden watching the nuthatches that have moved into one of our birdhouses. I'm relying on the labor of friends to wake up the garden this spring, turning beds, getting compost and moving things around... soon I can start putting in seeds and seedlings... those who want to visit are welcome to stop by...

This operation represents the end of my treatments. Once my body heals from the operation, I will return to teaching, art; my regular life... sort of. I will try to continue to live in the healthy, present, conscious way that I have adopted during this illness. Every six months from here on out I will get a CT scan to see if cancer is growing anywhere else in my body. If it pops up, I'll have limited options and not too much time... My radiologist and surgeon said I have a 6 percent chance of a cure, and that if the cancer returns it is almost always in a place other than the site of the tumor because the IORT almost always kills the tumor. If all the work I've been doing with diet and supplements with my naturalpathic doctor has been working as well as it seems, (the fact that I even got to the IORT was a long shot), then I think I may have better odds than I've been given... They say that if I get clean scans for 2 years I can start to feel hopeful, and after 5 years I'd be considered cured...

So now I have the odd task of trying to move forward with my life, all the while knowing that I may still have limited time, and that if I am cured, I won't feel free for years...

It leaves me with lots to ponder as I sit here healing everyday...