New Year

We call this "chicken TV", It's our chickens looking in the window - watching us...

As this year comes to a close, I've been in this cancer fight for six months, and it has dominated my actions, thoughts and activities. I have parred my life down to the basics of healing, family and as much teaching as I can do. My art making and work in the community has for the most part been put aside, and my frenetic, workaholic pace of living has been turned into a restful, more meditative approach to each day. The days of me having ten projects going at once are over. This simplification of my actions and my approach to life has been a very positive thing, one that I will largely continue if I make it through this.

I am learning a lot about myself, and am becoming a better person through it. However, I wouldn't recommend this particular path for a self help process... it's no fun.

Six months with no meat, dairy, beer, French bread, cheese, potatoes, BBQ, ice cream, sugar, Pad Thai, coffee, Chinese food, peanuts, cookies, pie, hot dogs, all Albanian food esp lamb, did I mention BBQ and beer? ...you get the idea... so here I am, 50 pounds lighter, wondering if I'll ever get any of these basic life essentials back! If I do, they will be enjoyed in moderation, and fully appreciated, each bite slowly savored...

Yesterday, I had a small cheat. An old friend came over and I made him coffee and put out a dish of Monika's gingerbread cookies. After watching him while we talked, I decided that I NEEDED to try a cookie, so I made a small cup (one inch deep) of coffee and milk, and took a small cookie. Over the next hour as we talked, I smelled the coffee, occasionally dipping the cookie and then putting a tiny piece on my tongue, leaving it there until it dissolved. I could almost taste every ingredient as a separate, subtle element; the ginger, sugar, butter. The intensity of the flavor was sublime, and I loved every second of it, even though in the end, I had most of the coffee left... the cookie however was gone. Last year I would have eaten 8 cookies at a sitting, so fast that I would have barely noticed the flavor.

The radiation and chemo are starting to cause more symptoms as I get into the final two weeks. My focus is to make it to January 15, and then I get to be free of treatments till mid February when I get scanned.

I once again would like to thank all of you who are helping me through this, your love, support and kindness mean more to Monika and I than we could possibly express, and I wonder if we could be managing this trial without you. THANK YOU.

Happy New Year. I hope this new year brings good to all of us.

xo D

Holiday Rest...

I will have 4 days to rest this week starting on Christmas Eve day through Sunday. I'm at the half way point for the radiation and chemo treatments. So far the main symptoms are fatigue some intermittent pain for a few hours after treatments. Overall pretty bearable, really. During the day I feel full energy and am able to teach, so I'm hoping that continues into January. It has interrupted my going to yoga, but I'll start back up in mid January when this course is over.

The biggest challenge for me is staying positive and focused on healing. Knowing that my odds are so bad... creeps into my mind when I'm tired and weak. Generally though, I feel pretty positive about how this is going and I know that the fact that the cancer hasn't grown is good news. So I'm staying the course.

The radiation is trying to damage the DNA of the cancer cells and either kill them outright or interrupt the DNA enough that they die when they try to divide and replicate. Our hope is that the kill rate will be enough to shrink the tumor to an operable state. Short of that, no growth would lead to more a intensive radiation procedure... Those will be the discussions of mid February...

For now I will enjoy the next 4 days rest and the holiday gatherings with family and friends. That, I have come to realize, is the most important thing...

I wish you all a wonderful holiday with those you love...

Peace,

David

one week down...

During this first week of radiation, I held up pretty well. It makes me tired, and I feel like "something" is going on inside, but otherwise I can't tell. I've had some pain in my back and around the area of my stent, but I'm not sure if it related to the treatments or just caused by irritation from the stent procedure and the stress of being back in daily treatment.

I have the weekends off from both the radiation and chemo, so I'm trying to rest and refresh in preparation for week 2.

The kids come home on Tuesday, and Monika's Mom comes from Sweden on Friday, so lots of distractions are on the horizon...

Numerous people have been asking me about how to join the list of people who have been bringing us meals on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jan McGinn has been keeping a list and forwarding people my diet limitations. Thank you to Jan and everyone who has been so kind and generous...It has been so helpful to us during all this chaos...

Jan can be reached at: mcginn.jan@verizon.net

Nuclear Power

I started radiation and chemo today.

Five days a week for 28 days. Weekends and holidays off. They lined up my 3 tattoos with the laser guides and took x-rays to ensure that the radiation beams would hit the right spot.

I felt nothing for the 15 minutes it took to get "zapped" though I know that the side effects are cumulative so I expect fatigue to build up...

I made it home in time to go to yoga, but now I'm officially exhausted.

Now we just hope that it does it's job well...

Complication

I was supposed to start radiation and chemo today, but there was a problem with blood levels from my liver. That, combined with a a bout of fever, chills and fatigue last night... and my doctors came to the conclusion that the stent in my gall bladder is failing and needs to be replaced; tomorrow.

So back to MGH for that procedure, and if all goes well, I'll start radiation on Monday.

Never a dull moment here!

-D

Thankful

I've been between treatments for almost 3 weeks, and am getting ready to start radiation and chemo early next week.

We're VERY happy to have the kids home this week for Thanksgiving break. Amanda has been accepted to all the schools she's applied to, and has now toured Northeastern and Clark. Soon she'll choose between the two.

Feeling strong and happy these weeks, I've been reflecting on all the blessings in my life. I'm thankful for family, friends and colleagues who have been so central to my life, and have recently risen up to help me in these darker times. I have very few regrets and am grateful and happy in spite of the curveball I've been given...

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

- d

Good News

The biopsy of my liver was negative, so the door stays open to further treatments!

On December 2nd I begin 28 days of radiation and chemo (pills), 5 days a week.

Friday I will get scanned and be tattooed with several small dots to align the machines to. Medical physicists will then calculate a computer model for numerous paths to the tumor which present the most direct route with the least chance of damaging surrounding organs. Very high tech, computer guided and accurate... I hope it does the job.

Now I have a couple of treatment free weeks to enjoy before it gets rough...

Change

Well, at my oncologists' insistence, the biopsy has now been changed to this Thursday ...
I'll get the results on Tuesday...Much better than the end of next week.

Thursday's not a good day, but I have no choice...we need to move along with the treatments.

It's been a pleasure to be off chemo these past couple of weeks... I feel almost like my old self.
This has given my immune system a chance to regroup, let the cracks on my hands and feet begin to heal, but most importantly, I have LOTS more energy and with that comes raised spirits...

Waiting...

They were unable to schedule me for the biopsy on Wednesday... So I have to wait until Monday, unless my doctor is able to jamb me into an earlier appointment...

Very frustrating.

One more time...

I have to go in to MGH on Wednesday and re-do the biopsy...

Although I'm not happy to have to go through it all over again, I am still somewhat optimistic that my liver will be clear...But I might not get the results till early next week.

This ends a week that was pretty rough; an old friend from art school died in his sleep last Wednesday. Robert Ricciardelli was my age, 48, and was in his prime... It's pretty hard to wrap my head around the fickle nature of existence...

Mishap

So on Tuesday, I had a biopsy of the spot on my liver, which was needed to rule out cancer before I could start radiation. It was a long day, including the four hours I waited before getting in for the procedure.

Today we were supposed to get the results, but it turns out that the main core sample was send to the wrong lab, and was tested for lymphoma. Only a tiny bit of the sample is left, and they are trying to get a definitive result from it. If it's too small, then I'll need to have another biopsy next Wednesday. The second sample (fine needle sample) was processed properly and showed normal liver cells, so we are hoping that will be the case for the core as well... fingers crossed.

We''l find out Monday if the test worked...

The only bright spot in the biopsy adventure was that the nurse who was getting me prepped for the test, was a painter who shows with the Barbara Krakow Gallery, and she knew my work and we had a lively discussion before I drifted off into the ether... that night she sent me a nice e-mail...

I'll post the results as soon I know something definitive...

Otherwise I've been off chemo for 2 weeks and I feel great...

Stable, toward the good side...

The scan showed no growth and even a little shrinkage, so we are pleased.

It's still a long way from me being operable, but we are moving in the right direction. I now need a biopsy of the spot on my liver, hopefully to rule it out of the cancer equation. That will happen in a few days, then we'll plot the next treatment based on those results... either more chemo or a chemo/radiation combo...

So my work continues...

Waiting

This is a picture of the growing collection of painted bamboo "healing sticks" that is springing up in the front yard. It started with an old friend painting a stick red to represent me, then adding other "protective" sticks around it to aid in healing... Now lots of people have been making them and the tribe is growing...

I finished chemo Wednesday and now I have to wait till next Tuesday for the scan and then Thursday for the results... I'm trying to focus on how healthy I feel, hoping that it will be represented in the scan...the alternatives are something I'm staying away from for the moment.

There will be a week or two between treatments and I welcome the rest. Being off chemo and getting my energy back is something that I really look forward to... optimism finds a chance to slip back into my world when I feel normal.

All the support and healing acts that have been coming my way continues to be one of the positive blessings that has come with this disease...I am grateful for all the help... It means more to me than I can express, and continually reminds me of what a special community we live in.

A Chinese friend who gives me weekly acupuncture treatments brought a Feng Shui Master to help heal me. It was a curious and magical experience...part astrology, part traditional healing and part shamanism. He made lots of strange and interesting suggestions (all through translation), many of which we have enacted. It has involved things like: me switching bedrooms and lots of red paint. Ask me sometime about the ritual that involved burying a piece of granite in the back yard to engage and control the ghost spirits which came into my studio with all the animal skulls I've collected over the years... It was something!

I feel like these healers are like angels that have showed up, focused on helping me, so I'm embracing their suggestions as part of my plan to give myself over to the chance of making it through this...

Yesterday brought my last infusion and the beginning of my last week of chemo before I get another scan on the 27th... That will be the end of six - 3 week cycles of chemo since I began down this road...time flies slowly in this case...

By the end of this month I'll know better where I stand and then we'll make decisions about the next phase of treatments. My doctor was cautiously optimistic last week, noting that I would probably not be in such good health if the cancer was spreading so MAYBE the chemo is working... The difficulty comes in trying not to get too excited by such small statements when the general prognosis is not so positive.

Separate from the chemo, I do feel very good so I hope that reflects progress...I continue to push on all fronts.

Monika and I are going to visit Amanda in Boulder this weekend, so I'm really looking forward to that. She will be transferring back east second semester to be closer to us during this odyssey... I'm very happy about that...

xo D

Rained Out

Our canoe trip was rained out but We had a great visit with old friends and did manage to to walk the dog in the rain and see the Sox game (no rain) on Saturday night.

Not being on chemo reminds me of my old self energy wise. The funny thing is that between diet, yoga, exercise and less hectic living, I'm the lightest and healthiest than I've been in 20 years.

Ironic under my current circumstances...

On Thursday, I start my last 2 week round of chemo... then I move to 5 weeks of a chemo and radiation combination...

Turning it up a notch...

In a few weeks I switch to a regiment of radiation and chemo...everyday for 5 weeks. I am anxious about the new regiment, because it will involve a portable pump for the chemo connected to a port that will be installed into my chest... I've been handling the chemo well enough so far so I hope the new stuff won't be debilitating. I won't miss the weekly infusions, by the second week it really knocks me down for at least a day.

I have this next week off chemo and hopefully on Saturday I will take a canoe trip with an old friend/mentor who will be up from Baltimore. We plan to follow the route that Thoreau and his brother took up the Concord River in 1849... they went all the way to Concord New Hampshire and back...but we'll just paddle up to the Merrimack if we can get through the Lowell canals. The increased energy I have on my weeks off should make this doable. Looks like rain though...

Many friends and community members have been working hard to help me and my family get through this...preparing meals, rides, water delivery, household labor, acupuncture, reiki, prayers, thoughts and support...

I can't express how grateful we are for all your help. It make a huge difference to us every day. We are blessed.

THANK YOU.
-d

Back on...

Here's a tintype of Lucas & date before his prom in June. I just got around to varnishing it...

After an energetic week off chemo, I started up again last Thursday. Two weeks on, one week off.

It takes a toll on me, but overall I have been handling it pretty well. I have some problems with thin/cracking skin on my hands and feet, and some stomach problems, but that's about it (and fatigue). My blood counts are acceptable, and I have enough of an immune system to fight off sickness (so far)...

In about a month or so I'll be getting another scan, then switching to a course of radiation and chemo... If that goes well, then I'll get intraoperative radiation therapy...

Daunting, but it's the road I'm on...

Yoga has helped a lot with fatigue and attitude, and teaching is energizing also...

-D

A new stent...

On September 11 at Emerson Hospital, I had my temporary stent replaced with another temporary one... The stent keeps my bile duct open; they last about 3 months. The procedure went fine. I'll keep getting temporary one's as long as there's a chance of getting back to an operable state.

Being back teaching at CCHS is going well. I find that I have a lot of energy and my classes are very good. Somehow the fact that I am facing my mortality has raised the level of discourse for me in my classes... It's hard to put my finger on it, but something good is happening.

The image above is one of 5 pieces that I have in the Danforth Museum Photography Biennial 2009. The show runs from Sept 12-Nov 8. 123 Union Ave, Framingham. It's part of my plan to keep my art life moving forward as I face this disease...

xo D

Back to school...

"Me in Yoga class"

Today was the first day of classes, and it went pretty well...

I have a wonderful batch of new students, as well as a bunch of advanced students who are also great... The school administration and my peers are supportive and accommodating and are helping me to make it work.

It's clear that I will need to modify my teaching and energy output, but it seems doable. I have a great teaching assistant in my first period class who will be able to assist in set up and materials preparation... and I have to modify some of my class requirements.

The school will install a purell dispenser in my room, and the last thing I need to work out is how to deal with sick kids as I try and protect my immune weakened body from illness...

It feels so good to be back doing what I do best... I get real positive energy being back with students...

Yoga is going very well...I have been going twice a week and will try and add a couple more classes if I can...

-D

Another week off...

I've had this week off chemo, and have been using it to make art, strengthen my body and rest before teaching starts up again in a couple of weeks. This week Monika brought both kids to set them up at college in Colorado and North Carolina... exhausting for her.
I stayed home.

The lack of growth in the last scan is helping me focus and redouble my efforts to get through this...
I've dropped chicken from my diet so now I'm down to just salmon, herring, and sardines for animal protein... Also this week I started going to Yoga... Day one wasn't pretty, but I think it will help me a lot if I have the energy to keep going even when I'm back on chemo. I'm hoping for 3-4 times a week.

cheers,

David

No Growth

The first scan shows no growth, or if anything a tiny bit of shrinkage. It's good news but tempered by the fact that I need a LOT of shrinkage to get to an operation that could save me.

So the work continues, and I keep working at chemo, diet, exercise, mind work, and supplements, and try and make this work.

Thank you for all the encouragement and help... It makes a BIG difference to me!

xo D

Opening

We just got back from a couple of days in P-Town for the opening of a show of my photographs. The weather was perfect, and LOTS of friends came out for the opening. It was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who came or sent good wishes...

I had started up on chemo again on Wednesday, and I've been feeling pretty good. I don't know if it was the energy from the show and being around lots of friends, or that a week off chemo gave my body time to recover...but either way I've been less tired than previous weeks.

I will get my first scan this week to see if the chemo is working...I'll find out the results on Thursday when I see my doctor on chemo day... Needless to say I am anxious about the results. We are hoping for either: 1. tumor shrinkage, or 2. no growth.

Any growth or spread and the window for getting to eventual surgery will close.

-D

Round 3

After having this week off chemo, I've almost forgotten how tired I get when I'm on it...

This week will be the beginning of the 3rd, 3 week cycle (2 weeks on, 1 week off chemo) of treatment. I may get a scan after this cycle, and then another after the next 3 cycles to see if the growth has shrunk, stopped growing, or has spread. That will determine what happens next...

I'll get my infusion a day early on Wednesday this week, so that Monika and I can go to P-Town on Thursday for my show at the Rice/Polak Gallery which opens on Friday night. Hopefully I can rest most of Thursday and have some energy for the show...
We're looking forward to getting away for a couple of days.

The Garden is in full bloom and gives me great pleasure, even though our huge lilies got trashed by the monsoon that we had a few days ago. They will spring back...

Strong Medicine

Fatigue is the main side effect I have from the chemo. Mainly after I get a gemzar infusion on Thursdays at MGH I am knocked down with little energy for a day or two. I take another drug in pill form for the rest of the week, and it also slows me down but not as much... It's very frustrating for me, as it keeps me from getting much done.

I take lots of naps!

I'm actually lucky in a way, as I could be having lots of other nasty side effects... so I won't complain too much.

-D

Week Off...

After two weeks on chemo, I just completed my first week off from chemo, and it was a very good week.

Four wet plate artist friends came here from all around the country for our annual art making gathering. Luckily it coincided with my chemo off-week. They filled our house with people and good energy. There was lots of art making, laughing, good art discussions, and the event at times took on a circus-like quality with so much going on at once...

In addition to my standard treatment, I am taking supplements prescribed by the naturopath who specializes in cancer, I'm riding my bike around as much as I can, there are friends who are helping me with diet and nutrition, and an acupuncturist who treats me every Tuesday. I'm happy and positive and focused on living my life while I try and beat this.
I plan to spend a few days a week making art this summer as energy allows...

I'm tolerating the chemo pretty well, so far with only some nausea and fatigue as side affects. Though it knocks down my white blood cell and platelet counts, so that is being watched closely.

Friends from all corners of my life have been signing up to bring a meal on a Monday or a Wednesday, and others have been bringing us things spontaneously... We are blessed with so much support and kindness.

Thank you, it helps alot.

David

Infused!

I'm coming up on the end of my second full week of chemo (it feels like my second month), and I'm coping pretty well and have manageable symptoms. I will then be off chemo for the next week to allow my body to recover...I am looking forward to the break.

Everyday, I continue to work on body and mind.

Yesterday went to a naturopath who specializes in cancer. He seemed very knowledgeable and may be a good compliment to my medical treatment. He knows a lot about cancer cell mechanisms and supplements that may enhance the effects of chemo and others that support my immune system. He also suggested a diet that will help to starve cancer cells of glucose... though it is much more limited than the one I am already on, so we are now weighing all our options to see what will help me the most.

I am about to begin making art again, as I return to my normal life as much as I am able. Right now I am cleaning my darkroom and studio (with help) and getting ready for a chemo free week of picture making...

peace & love,

David

Good Energy

So many of you are thinking and worrying about me...

I wanted to say that I am working everyday toward healing myself; I plan on recovering fully and I need all of your help and support.

All of your positive and healing thoughts and prayers make a big difference to me...

Please keep sending them my way!

xo David

Tired

Four days into chemo has me fatigued and a bit nauseous. It comes and goes throughout the day, but I am able to function fairly normally with regular rests and hot baths... we'll see if that gets worse as I go on. My stomach hurts a bit - probably because of the advil I take for back pain.

I'm off red meat, sugar and most dairy, eating much more greens, grains, and veggies... The little bit of chicken and fish I eat is organic, free range or wild caught...That part feels good.

I was losing weight just from getting off cookies and meat, and am now focusing on building my immune system to recover from the chemo and help fight the cancer. I'm exercising (walking) and taking vitamin supplements to help with that...

All of your help and support is so important to me as I try and heal myself.

THANK YOU!

David

Friday, June 26

Hi Everyone,
Dave's first chemo session at MGH went well in a very supportive environment. He is home resting and continuing to take his second regimen of pills as prescribed and, so far, tolerating them alright. As a friend of Dave and Monika and the kids for 30 years it is amazing to see the support and positive energy you are all giving and sending. If any of you have any specific questions and you don't want to bother the family just email or call me (Debora Vander Molen, vanderspan@aol.com, 617-699-7689) though Dave reads his emails every day.
Just a note of precaution, now that Chemo has started it's important for anyone who is sick to wait to visit until you are better.
Thanks again to everyone! Debora

Chemo...

As we suspected, I will not be a candidate for surgery unless chemo treatments shrink the cancer a lot.

On Thursday, I start a chemotherapy regiment of two drugs, receiving the drugs for two weeks and then one week off. This course will be repeated 2 or 3 times before I am reassessed.

If there is a reduction or at least a stop in the growth of the cancer, then other treatments including radiation will follow.

Now I am continuing to strengthen my body and mind in preparation to fight the cancer. I am changing my diet to exclude sugar and red meat, and increasing my intake of lots of grains and veggies to support my immune system.

Thank you for all of your love, support and help.

Keep it coming...it makes a big difference to know I have others behind me.

xo David

MGH

David met with his GI oncologist at Mass General today. At this meeting it was confirmed that he has adenocarcinoma of the pancreas that is locally advanced; meaning it has not spread to other organs but has incorporated the apatic artery and SMA making an operation not possible.

He will meet with a surgeon next Tuesday, as well as his MGH oncologist and radiologist to see if there is any chance that chemo and radiation would have any potential to reduce the vein involvement enough to make surgery possible.

He will begin chemotherapy on June 25.

As of now David feels fine and is hoping to finish as much of the teaching year as possible.

He is also trying to strengthen his immune system and his mental fortitude as he prepares to battle the cancer.

Beginning...

You already know that David's been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

Today he went to MGH for an endoscopic ultrasound, and he'll have a CT of his Pancreas  on Thursday.

Next Week he'll be meeting with a pancreatic oncologist at MGH to start putting all the info together into a treatment plan.  The following week he'll see a surgeon  to see if surgery is an option.

Right now is the quiet before the storm, and it's very frustrating not yet having a full diagnosis.
When we have more information and a treatment plan, we'll update you all.

David and Monika want to express their deepest thanks to everyone for all the love and support...